Breaking the Silence: My True Story

 Breaking the Silence: My True Story

So actually, I made a promise last year that I would write my coming out story—how it all started, how I came out to my friends, and everything I’ve been through. I planned to do it in 2025. Now, four months have already passed, and I keep telling myself, "I’m going to do it, I’m going to start writing." But honestly, I haven’t been able to make time for it.

And I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart—not because I don’t want to write it, but because every time I try, I get deeply caught up in all the emotional memories. When I write, I place myself back in that exact moment, that exact past, and it becomes really hard to come out of it afterward. It stays with me for a long time.

Maybe even today, while writing, I’ll end up crying. Maybe I’ll feel upset or won’t be able to stay happy for a while—but still, I know I have to do this. I made a promise, and I need to fulfill it.

One of the biggest reasons I’ve delayed writing this is because it’s such a long story—a very, very long one. It’s going to have multiple parts, and it carries a lot of trauma, which you all are going to see here.

I hope you all will enjoy reading this. I’m going to write a bit more soon, because now my exams are over and I’m finally free. So, I’ll be working on multiple things that I’ve really wanted to do for a long time.

Anyway, without wasting any more time, let’s just dive into the story—this is how I came out.

If you ask me "When did you realize you were gay?"—I’d say it was around 2019, when I was in 9th or 10th grade. That’s when I finally understood that what I was feeling actually had a name. Until then, I had no idea that the word gay meant someone who is attracted to men.

But if I talk about when I started liking men, it goes all the way back to 2nd grade. I had a friend—let’s call him XYZ. I’m not going to mention his real name here, because we’re no longer friends; he’s homophobic now.

( If you guys know what one of my favourite songs is—it's Perfect by Ed Sheeran. And do you know why I always sing the line:

"‘Cause we were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was"

This song kind of feels like it’s dedicated to him.

Because when we were kids, he was sweet. Even though we had a lot of fights—like a lot—so much that even our parents had to get involved, I still felt something for him back then.

But now? I don’t have any feelings for him anymore. I don’t even like him.

Even when we were kids, after a few months, I started disliking him because of his unwanted and rude behavior. And now, he’s not even good-looking. He’s honestly a f***ing man I never want back in my life.

Even if someday he comes out as gay—I still wouldn’t want him.
Because I genuinely don’t like him at all. Not anymore. )

Back then, we used to play games together, hang out a lot, even visit each other’s homes. Our families knew each other. Everything was good. I had a kind of feeling for him, but I didn’t understand what it was. I thought maybe it was just friendship. After all, I was just a kid—I didn’t have the understanding of what those feelings meant.

But even then, deep inside, there was something—something more than friendship.

Until 9th or even 10th standard, I honestly didn’t care much about labels like "being gay." I was just living my life, focusing on myself.

To be honest, I was more focused on my career at that time. I wanted to study, do well, and become a good person. I never really thought about relationships or dating. In fact, I used to believe that having a boyfriend or girlfriend was just a thought, not something real or necessary for me.

( It wasn’t that I didn’t want a relationship. It was more about the religious barricades, the pressure from society, and the people who expected me to be straight—when I just didn’t want to be.

Because I feel something different for boys. I feel comfortable with them—when it comes to love, emotions, and expressing my feelings.

Yes, I know… most of the guys I’ve liked have hurt me.
But even then, that wasn’t the only reason I stayed away from relationships.

There were multiple reasons—emotional, personal, spiritual. And during that time, I just wasn’t interested in all those stupid things.

But the major reason was religion… and my belief system…
The things I was taught, the things I was made to believe—
They made me feel like my feelings were wrong just because of what my religion said.

I’m not blaming religion…
But I am criticizing it—for the parts that made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

And yeah… that’s all. )

That’s the reason I never had a relationship during all those years—I was just chilling and growing by myself as a single person.

And then came 2020—when the coronavirus hit and everything around us changed. And honestly, boom, I changed too.

But before we get there, let me share a little background—from 4th standard till 10th standard, over those 7 years, I went through a lot. I suffered, silently, because of people who used to call themselves my close friends, but never truly accepted me for who I was.

I just kept trying to be the person I was—happy, kind, fun. But obviously, some of my behavior was seen as different, a little more expressive, more slay, as people would call it now. And because of that, I was constantly bullied. They called me names—"meetha," "chakka," and so many other hurtful things.

There were times I heard absolutely disgusting phrases like “munh mein le le” and “gand de de”—and the worst part? I had no idea what those things even meant. I was so young and innocent. Till 8th standard, I genuinely thought the word meetha meant something sweet or nice 🤣.

And whenever I think back to those days, it actually makes me laugh a little, because I really believed all those names they used were just random words. I never imagined that they carried such dirty, offensive meanings.

I didn’t know any of it. I was just a chilled-out guy, living in my own little world, never thinking about searching those words online or anything. And honestly… I still am just a chillka, trying to figure life out my own way 😄.

I never cared about what people said. I don’t give a f*** about those who talk s*** about me—I really don’t f****** care.

Because I see my life as it is.
I don’t live my life comparing it to others.

See, I’ve struggled a lot in this lifetime. I know how much I’ve tried, how many times I’ve picked myself back up. I’ve never given up—no matter how hard it got.

I’ve done so many things to save myself and protect the ones I love. So yeah, I know how to deal with life. And I also know how to delete people from my life.

So I don’t give a f***.

My story—from Class 4 to Class 10—wasn't easy. And then, Class 11 came. After getting promoted from Class 10, where I scored a great percentage (because, yes—I’m a nerd 😎), I felt something shift.

You guys already know I’ve always been that “study guy.” I used to think I was some kind of God—I know that sounds funny, but seriously, people used to praise me and say,
“He can do anything.”

That became my title.
And honestly? I still carry that title.
Even if I don’t have technical knowledge about something, I will learn it and do whatever I want to do.

Anyway, back to the story—

In Class 11, I started to feel like I really wanted to come out.
I wanted to be the person I always wanted to be.

First, I got to know that there are so many people around the world who feel just like me.
And that I wasn’t the only one.

Because honestly? I used to think I was God's own experiment. Like I was the only one who felt this way. I used to feel so proud of myself, so unique, that I would even write,
“Oh my God, I am the God-created guy.”

At that point, I wasn’t even active online. But in 2020, I finally created social media accounts—first Twitter, then Instagram.

My main motive? To connect with people. To connect with the Internet world. Especially with people from across the globe—because I wanted to know more, feel less alone, and start understanding me.

And I 100% subscribe to this motto.

If you ever go to my first Instagram account, you’ll only find international people there.
You might find one or two others, but still—95% of the people I followed or talked to were international.

Because I communicated only with them.
I felt safe and wildly free having those conversations.

And that’s where I met a beautiful guy named Marvin—the first person I ever felt something real for. The first person who protected me. The first person who has stood by me for years.

The only person I love the most in this entire world...
(except my cat Maati, of course 😏).

We actually had a pact: If we ever met in real life, we’d be in a relationship. He even said,

"Bro, I’ll buy a ticket for you. Just come over here."

That’s how deep our bond was. We had so many things in common—and I loved that about us.

And if you don’t already know—
I cried so much when I confessed my feelings to him.
It was the first time I had ever consistently confessed my feelings to someone.
Ever.

Anyway—back to the story.

Talking to him made me realize something: I should just be the person I want to be.

But 2020 was chaotic. All that drama affected me in a strange way.
I started developing something I used to call body dysmorphic disorder, or something close to it. I began comparing myself to others. I felt like I didn’t fit into this generation. I kept thinking— “I need to lose weight. I have to change.” And genuinely speaking, I started losing a lot of weight.

BOOM! In six months, I lost 25 kg. That’s when I started calling myself a fitness trainer 😎
“I can help you lose weight in 6 months”—that was my vibe. So yeah, that was me in Class 11. And to be honest, all of that happened while I was just at home. and I have experienced many things in life, and through that, I learned that I had to come out to myself first—and I did. I accepted that whoever I am, I am, and I didn’t care about what people thought. With this new mindset, I told myself, “I will do whatever it takes to save and protect myself.”

When I was in the learning phase about the LGBTQIA+ community, I passed one of the most important laws, the LGBTQ Recognition Act. As part of the first-ever 16-member committee, I approved this act. Even though I wasn’t gay at the time, I vowed to support the LGBTQIA+ community at all costs. Under this act, I passed one of the six major laws which still exist today, aimed at recognition, rights, and activism for the community. It was official work that I had to complete before I could commit to anything.

After that, I began searching for who I truly am—and I found the answer. I realized that I am not bisexual; I am just gay. I don’t like girls at all, and this was the first time I truly understood who I am. To give you some context, there was a girl in my school who had feelings for me, and I used to think I would marry her, and we’d live together with her doing the household work while she earned money for us—because her mother did the same thing. But then, I realized I am gay.

Moving ahead, after the lockdown ended, I went back to class for the first time, and here comes the second part of my story. My first experience when I went to class for the first time after the lockdown…I didn’t know much about the situation, and honestly, no one really did, because we were all unfamiliar with everything. So, I went inside, opened the door, and saw a guy sitting in the front row. I instantly liked him. I didn’t know how to express the feelings I was having at that moment, but I could feel myself falling for him. For the next 2 to 3 months, I had a huge crush on him, but I didn’t express it. I thought he was 100% straight, and that he didn’t feel the same way about me. I was just chilling, accepting myself as a gay person, but inside, I was going through a lot of emotional turmoil.

During that period, I was making a lot of changes in my life—too many too fast, and I was struggling with my mental health. One day, he asked me if I could share my notes with him, and I was like, “Yeah, why not?” He then asked, “How are you going to share them with me?” I replied, “Can you give me your number, so I can share them?” And to my surprise, he agreed! He gave me his number, and I was overjoyed. At that moment, I felt like I had won the entire world. In my head, I was like, “I’m going to have a boyfriend, a husband, someone by my side!” I was in that delusion, even though I didn’t fully understand what was happening.

That same evening, he texted me asking for the notes, and I was happy to send them. We started texting, and our communication continued. But then, after a while, ( I don't Remember what happened , I forgot about it because of everything cuz after break up I was dealing with mentally, including the medicine I was taking at the time. )

But what I know is that he was actually asking me about the LGBTQ+ community and all those things, and I was explaining to him that, yes, these types of things exist because I had already done a PhD on it ☺️. One day, I confessed my feelings to him and told him I was gay. He was the first person, not in the online world but in the real world, to whom I confessed that I was gay. Eventually, we got into a relationship. The fun part was how we could break up, which is going to have a long story.

He was actually using me all the time, and he and his friend did the biggest bullying of the entire century. After about 15 to 16 days, I guess he told his friend that I was gay, and one day, I was sitting in class when everyone started chanting “Mitha Mitha” and all those words I don’t want to repeat right now. The teacher was actually there in the class, teaching, and I was sitting in the front row, crying so hard. I didn’t know what to say anymore, and I was wishing to kill myself at that moment. After that, I had a conversation with him, and I said, "You’re the one who told them because you’re the only one who knew, and you’re the only one who told everyone." Eventually, I guess it was him because the message had been sent by him in the form of a screenshot.

My life started getting worse; people used to call me so many bad names that I couldn’t take it anymore. Eventually, we broke up, and I fell into the greatest traumatic depression of my life. I was so deep in depression that I tried to kill myself twice during that period. I didn’t want to live in a world where, just because I liked a boy, I had to face so much hatred.

( When everything was getting bad and the world was falling apart, the only person who was with me was Marvin. I really love him because he is the only person who knew me from the start to the end, and till now, he knows everything that’s going on in my life because I sent him a long message. I don’t have a feeling for him anymore, but the bond between him and me is special. Even though he is a long-distance friend, I cry on a video call so much that no one could ever believe it.

One of my other friends from Chicago, Jack, is another person who has been there for me. You might remember my Insta story where I shared that, a few days ago, he became a father after having a child. He sent me a cute photo of his baby, and I absolutely love his child. I love my friend Jack, and he really helped me in the world of finance. I can say that his advice has been invaluable to me.

When everything in my life was falling apart, I thought that if my parents found out about everything, they would definitely throw me out of the house. I needed a place to live in order to complete my studies and start a new chapter in my life. During that phase, I found Jack. Jack and I have been friends for a long time, and we’ve had many conversations about American politics because we both enjoy it. We talk about policies, world foreign policies, and various events happening in both America and India. I share my point of view, and he shares his, and we talk a lot. Most of our communication happens on video Notes. 

Jack gave me one of the biggest financial pieces of advice: to save money and store it safely. What I did was insane, something I had never done before in my life. I created something called the "Home Sweet Home Financial Act." This act has safeguarded me for the past four years, up until December 2024. This is what it says: I need to preserve enough money to cover at least three months of financial support for myself. I made sure to save this amount of money in my bank, because I didn’t know when things might go bad, and I needed to be prepared. I saved money from the smallest amounts, and I was so determined to save that I would walk instead of using transport just to save money. Even though Marvin was there with me and would give me financial support, I knew I wanted to stand on my own.

I am not financially independent anymore; I am fully dependent on my parents now. However, I know that if I ever get kicked out of the house, I’ll be able to find some work, do some financial work, and eventually become financially independent. The important thing was that I accepted myself and my fate. I accepted that I needed to be financially independent, and that led to some major changes. One of the most important changes was that I started cutting people out of my life who were homophobic. I didn’t want to be around people who didn’t accept me for who I am. )

So, the story of coming out of the closet as gay was never in my hands. Someone else told others that I was gay, and things got worse. Eventually, I went through a huge traumatic situation. My parents thought something had happened to me mentally but never knew I was gay. They just thought that I was getting depressed, but they never realized why. I started living alone, and during that time, I began to cry, stop eating, and stop talking. I started doing things that were abnormal. I even started self-harming. Eventually, my parents took me to a psychiatrist, and after a lot of medication, I was able to forget that phase of my life. I still don’t remember a lot of what happened during that time, which is why I’m able to talk about it now. It was a horrible phase of my life, but that wasn't all. After that, many more horrible things happened to me.

Anyway, after taking the medication, I did one important thing: I cut off all my friends from my life. I don’t have any of my school friends or my college friends from 11th and 12th grade because they were all homophobic. It became a kind of revenge. You can hurt me at any cost, but I wanted revenge. I believe in Karma, and I decided I would either take revenge or leave it to God. I chose to leave it to God in the case of my ex. As for the people who were chanting those unwanted words behind my back, I took action.

One day in college, some students did something wrong and damaged college property. I was the only witness, so I reported it to the principal. 24 students were suspended just before the 12th grade board exams. There was so much drama that the principal even said he wouldn’t sign their hall tickets because of what they did. They even threatened to kill me, but I stood firm, and they were suspended. Their parents came and begged the principal, crying, but in the end, the principal allowed it because of their future careers. It was quite a drama, but it felt like some sort of justice.

This is the story of how I came out. After that, I started telling people that I’m gay because I felt that I should be who I am. Even my psychiatrist knows, and everyone knows except for my parents and family. I guess, apart from them, everyone knows I’m gay.

Disclaimer: This is not the complete story. I’ve written as much as I remember, but there are parts of the story I don’t recall because of the medication I took. I don’t remember everything that happened, and I used to write down everything in a book, in sequence. I still have that book, but I don’t want to open it because whenever I do, it brings back memories of what happened. The storylines are written by me, so there is no copyright claim. I just want to clarify that this is not the entire story. There are missing parts I don’t remember, and I can’t bring myself to share everything. If anyone has questions, feel free to ask in the comments, and I’ll reply without stress. But if you ask me to rewrite and tell the entire story, it's impossible for me to share.

Please try to ignore any grammatical mistakes.

Conclusion: I never came out by myself. It was a traumatic experience involving self-harm and life problems. If I remember anything else in the future, I’ll share. Thank you so much for reading this far. I hope you understand how I came out, and now there is no promise anymore. 😭